I love jigsaw puzzles. The sight of a thousand pieces scattered on a table is mesmerizing. As the little pieces get joined together, a beautiful pictures starts to emerge. The most satisfying time comes when the last piece is put in place and the whole picture is complete. Those tiny pieces finally form one big picture. But even before the puzzle is complete, it helps to see what those pieces should look like once they come together. Having the big picture in mind is imperative to understanding one’s vision and goals. It aids in making sense of life.

With dad’s death, I have been trying to gather the broken pieces and put them together in an attempt to see the big picture. There are countless questions I would like answered. Questions that are almost always prefixed with “why.” But everything is burly. I do not know why dad was taken away from us. I do not know why it had to happen at this time and in the manner that it did. I do not understand how the lives of those he left behind are supposed to carry on without him around. Or how the hole he has left in our heats will ever be filled.

I know there is a season for everything under the sun and that everything happens for a reason. However, I carry my digging bar each morning to dig at my shallow well of understanding and every night, I retire having no better understanding than I had in the morning. I do not understand why this happened. It does not make sense.

There’s a song called The Story I’ll Tell and it is one on the songs I have been listening to a lot lately. The first verse says:

The hour is dark
And it’s hard to see
What You are doin’ here in the ruins
And where this will lead
Oh, but I know
That down through the years
I’ll look on this moment and see Your hand on it
And know You were here

The hour has without a doubt been dark the past few weeks. It is very hard to see what is happening “here in the ruins.” So I look forward to a time when I will be able to “see [God’s] hand on it and know [He was] here.” I look forward to the day when all of this will make sense. I look forward to the day when all the pieces will fall in place like that of a puzzle and the big picture will appear as bright as day. To the day when my mind will fully understand what just happened and why.

My heart yearns for that day. Perhaps I will wake up one day and everything will just make sense. Or perhaps I will wake one day and discover that this has just been a long nightmare and none of this is true. But that is too much to ask for. I know it is. That day will not come while I am on this side of life. So instead, I will fix my eyes on another day that is surely coming. The day I will get reunited with my father, with dad. That is the day my heart truly longs for. On that day, should my eyes be tear-stained as they are right now, I know in the deepest of hearts that those tears will be tears of joy and not sorrow. For I will be glad to be in the embrace of my father where I belong.