Who would I have become?

I have been thinking about this question quite a lot in recent days. Who would I have become if the events of February did not happen? Who would I have become if dad hadn’t died?

God knows how much I miss my dad. I think about him every single day. I miss talking to him. I miss sharing my life with him. I miss hearing his laughter when talked. I miss a million other things about him. Because dad is no longer here, I grieve. But at the same time, I have found myself grieving someone else – me. There is a part of me that dad took with him and I grieve that too. There is a version of me that existed only because dad was around and I don’t know if I will ever get that back. I feel like the person I was 6 months ago no longer exists and this also causes my heart to grieve.

I know it’s naïve to say I want things to go back to the way they were 6 months ago. Bu it will be a lie if I said that is not what I wish for. I want to go out with friends and genuinely have a good time. I want to meet new people. I want to travel. I want to cook nice meals. I want to laugh, watch a nice movie, go for a walk and feel alive again. I want to get back on the running track. I don’t want to be afraid of planning to meet people because I am unsure where my emotions will be swinging when the day to meet them comes. As it stands right now, I feel unable to do things that came more naturally just 6 months ago. Beyond this, I think back to what I pictured life to be like on New Year’s eve. I think back to how great I felt about life in January. If I continued on that trajectory, who would I have become?

Through what I could only describe as God’s providence, I stumbled on a song called The Detour by a music group called FAITHFUL and other artists. I came across the song on 10th February and immediately saved it to my Spotify favourite list. Little did I know that 5 days later, it would become an anthem that I would play, cry and sleep to. Part of the song says:

Don’t let my heart grow cold or despise the wait
This is not unkindness; this is not disgrace
I am not passed over in my suffering
You hold my broken heart and my broken dreams

…

I will not pretend that it comes easily
To follow when I’m sure I know what’s best for me
I’ve got lots of questions, but I know the truth
That I have never lived a day apart from You

…

You’ve been good to me; I am safe to hope
I will dare to believe when the way is long and slow
And I am full of doubt, but You are kind and close
I will trust the detour is the road

That last line is what I am holding on tonight. I want to trust that the detour is the road.

The past months have felt like a long detour. This is definitely not how I envisioned this year to be. This is not the place I pictured myself to be standing at. My life seems to have derailed.

I hope that someday, I will be in a better place and feel life within my veins again. I hope that one day, I will not feel like the only thing I bring to every table I sit at is my grief. I hope that that someday, my life and legs will be back on track again. I know that is what dad would have wanted. So for as long as it takes, I will ride these waves of emotions that grief brings. I want to trust that the detour my life has taken is actually the road I was meant to travel. So I hope that in the end, I will not be grieving what I would have become if dad didn’t die. Rather, I wish to be celebrating the person I will become because dad died.